I’m happy…

Today was perfect in a million small ways. I mean, there so much that could have gone better. I wish I’d been more proactive about housework and homework. It was absolutely soaking wet outside. I went to a dance, and wish that I’d have done something I didn’t have the courage to do.

But in another way, I wouldn’t change a thing. Driving to a soccer game in a warm car with rain all around and the sound of jazz enveloping everything and coating it with significance… getting ready for the dance with a group of friends (some new, some old)…actually wearing make-up and painting my nails…having far too much coffee and far too little food…dancing like a maniac, even though I can’t really dance…having my stomach do those stupid flips that prove I’m actually a human with feelings and emotions…driving home and experiencing that sense of camaraderie that makes you feel young and alive in a way few things do…

I think I’m beginning to understand that I’m a senior. I feel so utterly alive, in part because of the coffee and the late hour. But another reason is that I feel awake for the first time in a while. I feel like I’m living my life, not just watching it pass by. And I relish it.

That’s all I’ve got tonight, guys.

 

47 Random Questions

My life is busy beyond belief, but I still want to blog. You know what that means…. QUESTIONNAIRE TIME!!!!

1. My full name- This is the internet, soooo no. My first name’s Robyn though, not Juliet, just FYI.
2. Zodiac sign- Scorpio, but I’m not really the mystical type
3. 3 fears- Llamas, elevators, and lack of control.
4. 3 things I love- Musicals, mud, and the color purple.
5. 4 turn on’s-  This
6. 4 turn off’s- ^^^^^^
7. My best friend- I have a cluster, not just one individual.
8. Sexual orientation- Heterosexual. Sorry ladies 😛
9. My best first date- It wasn’t even supposed to be a date, but we ended up getting milkshakes in the middle of a grocery store. It was a blast.
10. How tall am I?- 5’8 and a half. Yep.
11. What do I miss?- Believing that growing up meant kissing boys, getting a driver’s license, and going to college.
12. What time was I born?- Evening, like 8 o’clockish, I think.
13. Favorite color?- Black, unless you count that as the absence of color. Then purple.
14. Do I have a crush?- Yep.
15. Favorite quote- At the moment?”She refused to be bored chiefly because she was not boring.” ~Zelda Fitzgerald
16. Favorite place- There’s a certain resturant
17. Favorite food- Stir fry. This is a recent development. Formerly, I would have said lasagna.
18. Do I use sarcasm?- Never
19. What am I listening to right now?- A Tour in Italy by Bandaid. It’s ridiculously catchy.
20. First thing I notice in new people?- Vocabulary
21. Shoe size?- Why? Do you have a foot fetish, questionnaire?
22. Eye color- Hazel
23. Hair color- My friend Max says it’s “dirty blonde”
24. Favorite style of clothing-A mix between high fashion and the soccer field.
25. Ever done a prank call?- Yep!
26. What color underwear…is this a real question? No.
27. Meaning behind my URL?- See this from two years ago
28. Favorite movie- It changes constantly, but right now it’s Reality Bites
29. Favorite song- Again, this is constantly changing, but probably Roll to Me by Del Amitri at this moment. I’m on a 90’s kick.
30. Favorite band- Possibly The Mountain Goats
31. How I feel right now- Tired
32. Someone I love- Josh. I love Josh.
33. My current relationship status- Perpetually single 😛
34. My relationship with my parents- Complicated. Just don’t bring up spoons or windows…
35. Favorite holiday- Which ever is next. That means it’s currently Halloween!
36. Tattoos and piercings I have – My ears are pierced.
37. Tattoos and piercings I want- None. There’s little that could convince me that I need more needles in my life.
38. The reason I started blogging- It’s cliched, but I wanted to be heard. I like writing and can only take so much approval from my mother.
39. Last book I read?- The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
40. Do I ever get “good morning” or “good evening” texts?- Occasionally
41. Have I ever kissed the last person I texted?- It was my classmate Gloria, so…no.
42. When did I last hold hands?- Friday, I think?
43. How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?- Maybe 15 minutes.
44. Have I shaved my legs in the last three days?- Um, I actually don’t know…
45. Where am I right now?- At home, exhausted.
46. If I was drunk and unable to stand, who’d be taking care of me?- Usually I’d say my friend Jess, but if I’m drunk…she probably is too! So I’ll go with Nate, my poor neighbor/surrogate brother.
47. Do I like my music at a loud or reasonable level?- Define “reasonable”.

You know far more than you ever wanted to about me. But in the interest of fairness, if you answer the survey and link it in the comments, I pinkie promise to not only read it, but to leave a comment of my own. Deal?

 

Waiting

I have little patience. Concentration is a challenge, and waiting rooms are nothing short of torture.  I pace when I’m thinking, I doodle in class, and I tap my foot when it takes too long for someone to come to the point. Inactivity is my Kryptonite. I share the “I want it NOW!” attitude of much of my generation.

Every once in a while, though, I’ll find something worth waiting for. In such cases, my patience is endless. I’ll keep waiting for something I should have given up long ago.

Right now, I’m in one of my waiting periods. I’ve found something that I want desperately. So I wait. And I’ll admit there’s a part of me that wants to burst into action, to do something. But it’s one of those cases where action would case more harm than good.

It’s so hard! There’s a little voice screaming at me, telling me that inactivity is passivity. A wiser, calmer voice reminds me of all the times I acted when I should have just sat down. It plays memory after memory of me running my mouth, doing the wrong thing, or causing damage that could have been avoided if I’d just given myself time to let emotion cool.  I’m such a passionate person that I tend to regret what I say in the heat of the moment.

And it’s not as though I’ve done nothing. If this whole situation were chess, I’ve done the equivalent of placing my opponent’s king in check. Now I just have to wait for their next move, and that’s the difficult part.

September was an emotional month, and so far, October seems to be following suit. To lighten the mood, here are my (unedited) journal entries from the past two days:

Oct. 1, 2012

OMG! It’s OCTOBER!!!! How????? I don’t even know…. So you can see, I am a deep individual.

Oct. 2, 2012

I’m shrouded in a cloud of apathy. Bleh.

 

I know, right? My journal is the most unintelligent piece of writing I have ever had the misfortune of reading (or writing, for that matter!). But I have a theory that if I get out all my bad writing in my journal, then my writings here and for school will be nothing short of literary gems.

Yep.  See you soon.

What Even Is This?

“When you experience uncertainty, you are on the right path – so don’t give it up. You don’t need to have a complete and rigid idea of what you’ll be doing next week or next year, because if you have a very clear idea of what’s going to happen and you get rigidly attached to it, then you shut out the whole range of possibilities.”

– Deepak Chopra

  My world is shifting in so many ways. This isn’t a complaint, just a statement of fact. I’m a senior in high school AND in my second year of college.  Dynamics with old friends are completely different. There are new friends I never saw coming. And I doubt freshman me with her Jane Austen, braids, and mousy demeanor would even recognize senior me with her brazen attitude, pixie cut, and Walt Whitman.

I’m working through the agonizing process of deciding where to transfer. There’s one school in particular that interests me…and it’s on the other side of the country. Part of me feels like that’s a good thing. I feel ready to severe my old ties and start new ones, to find myself, to go in pursuit of my Great Perhaps. But quite recently, there have been some changes that have made me consider whether leaving is such a good idea. There’s an opportunity to share a house with friends, a good scholarship from a local school, and yes, there is a boy.

I’m at the point where movies like Lost in Translation and Reality Bites seem surprisingly relevant and watching the prom and graduation episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer make me cry. There are moments when I surprise myself with my maturity and others where I behave like a child. I think this is what they call growing up.

Hope you’ve had a great summer and good luck to those of you headed back to school (or already in classes!).

Tell me if this is a normal person thing or just a weird me thing. I’m not really sure.

Do you guys ever fall in love with an idea? I mean, hardcore, heart in your mouth, butterflies in your stomach, nervous, sweaty in love with an idea?

Does it become some kind of driving force behind your thoughts, a kind of background music to your day? Is it something that you just can’t shake, something that seems to bubble up from inside of you? And, even though it’s crazy, you find that this idea is on par with food, water, and shelter when it comes to the list of things you need to survive?

It’s not being OCD. It’s not like being on some kind of maniac trip. It’s just this all-abiding passion for one singular idea.

No? Just me? Ok.

Sigh

 

School and Rules of the Heart

Hello!

As my college classes are going well, I have no excuse for avoiding blogging. Guilt-free blogging! Yay!

So, I’m no expert when it comes to romance. Big shocker, I know. However, even though I have little to no experience myself, my friends seem to find me a good source of advice. Why is that?

I wonder about romantic relationships. I truly do. It seems like most of the time, it’s a beautiful game of playing catch with hearts. Everyone has fun until one heart gets dropped, or a person throws their heart carelessly, or the other person is just not able to catch the heart in time. More often than not, someone gets hurt.

Maybe I’m pessimistic. Maybe I’m just being realistic. However, I have a hard time believing I can find true love. Is there such a thing? Do “soul-mates” exist? My parents would say so. They believe that they were truly made for each other. But it took so much heartache for them to find each other.

Is that what it’s all about? Is pain the key to love? Or, to put it another way, do you have to suffer for love to be real? At least theoretically, that makes sense. Love is sacrifice. It’s about viewing another person as more important. So, it would make sense that it would hurt once in a while.

On a personal level, I don’t really want to put my hurt out there. It will more than likely get battered and bruised.  At the same time, I want love. I want that passion.  I want to fins someone who is “worth it”.

Or maybe I’m just crazy! 😛

Friendship

Now before I get going on this, I should preface: I have some spectacular friends! There are times I get depressed or discouraged. I have days where I truly feel alone in the world. But the truth is, I have friends by me the whole time. So, know my opinion on this subject is beyond biased.

According to Dictionary.com, friendship is synonymous with harmony, accord, understanding, and rapport.  Calling someone your friend implies they’re someone you are intimate with and loyal to.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, mostly because of Facebook. I have hundreds of “friends” on Facebook. But how many of them are people that I would call if something was wrong or would trust with a secret? Honestly, maybe 15 and even that might be stretching it.

Our world is one in which the word “friend” has replaced acquittance. If we’ve met a person more than once, have their number in our phone, or  have contacted them online, we consider them a friend.  And shoot me, but I don’t think that’s what friendship is.

My personal definition of a friend is a person that’s fun to be around, that you can’t relate to, and that “gets” you. You don’t have to behave proper. You can be yourself around them. They’ve got your back and you’ve got theirs. And somehow, in your own quirky way, being around them makes you better. You’re more “you” than you are around other people.

Does this mean that I believe that there is such a thing as a perfect friendship? Nope, and I’ll tell you why. Because there are no perfect people and that’s all a friendship is really. It’s two people.  Or more 🙂

That’s it.

 

10 Things I love today

1. I bought this today for $4.  I did some research, and it usually costs between $10-$20! I’m so happy! It has creamy blank pages, a ribbon marker, and a pocket in the back. It reminds me of the Grail diary from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade“. It isn’t identical, but still! Pure epicness.

2. This video. There’s a little bit of  language. As a girl who isn’t graduating from high school, but is starting college, this seems really relevant to my life at the moment. It’s good stuff.

3.

4.  Robert Walton in the first few letters from “Frankenstein”. He is conceited, arrogant, and wordy to thew point of being funny. Dude is a frustrated writer. It’s too bad the poetry gig didn’t work out.  With that verbose prose…it’s really overwhelming.

5.  I love the Leia/Han romance. It might be my favorite part of Star Wars. Might.

6. music_movie-loves-a-screen.php  

I love this song!

“Maybe what I mean to say
Is that I think about you in the most romantic of ways
And I’m hoping you’ll be open to discussing us and nothing in between

Maybe what I mean is that I love you more than any other I’ve seen
If you couldn’t tell well I hope you’re quite keen on it
Like a rhyme loves a sonnet
Like a movie loves a screen
that’s what I wanna mean to you”

Thank you April Smith. This made my day!

7.  Three-way calling. It’s incredible how much more you can accomplish when you don’t have to call someone, ask a question, hang up, call someone else, answer their question etc. in a endless cycle.

8. It’s just so perfect!

9.  If I don’t wear a dress like Kate Middleton’s, which I loved, I want to wear one like this:

10.  You!