New Blog!

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Hello!
I know it’s been ages since I posted (years in fact) but for any of you still following along, I’ve started a new blog here on WordPress. I haven’t bought the domain name yet, so it’s a bit long: weshallhavespringagain.wordpress.com

Come! join me!

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Question 2: If you could erase a horrible experience from your past…

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So, I’m starting a blog series where I answer random questions. It’s like those questionnaires I love so much, except with actual writing instead of fill-in-the-blanks. Feel free to play along at home by answering the question in the comments or by submitting a question.  Hopefully this is fun! Question 1 can be found here.

You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Ok, so my life has been pretty average. There have been awful, awful things but I know how blessed I am.

That being said, I refuse to fall into the “I wouldn’t change anything because each experience has come together to shape who I am as a person” cliche, because, while it may be true, it is absolutely no fun and not in the spirt of  the game.

*Trigger Warning: Bullying*

I think the memory I’d most want to erase would be from my 6th grade year. I know, I know, middle school drama! But there were these two horrid boys who would bully me so badly that I actually became afraid to go anywhere without a friend. That’s the kind of memory I could live without.

Ultimately, one moved away and I punched the other one in the face, so things worked out alright. But it was a rather harrowing time for little me and whatever “growth” I experienced, I would willing exchange for never having to think about that part of my life again.

 

 

 

Tired of the cliches…

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(I’m relating to Paramore songs ironically now…I think I’ve reached a new low)

I’m 2460done with this school and this town and this year. I’ve been trying to finish my senior project and still keep up with my community college classes. I’ve been trying to deal with the weird shifts in relationship dynamics. And I’m trying to prepare both mentally and physically for moving across the continent this summer.

I kinda broke up with my best friend (is that what it’s called? Break-up seems like the closest term…). It hurt (hurts) like hell. I don’t know about her, but I’ve seen this coming for a long time. I mean, we’re still “friends”, I guess, but it’s just different. We both said some really hurtful things. After all, only those who truly know you can get under your skin. I suppose reconciliation is possible, and might even be what she wants, but I’ve lost the ability to want to fight for it. Some friendships aren’t made to last forever, I guess.

The thing that bugs me the most is how “teen movie” it all is. Is that wrong of me? Maybe, but I can’t shake my hang-up with fulfilling tired cliches. I know they’re called cliches for a reason. Even so…it’s ridiculous!

One of the things my friend called me out on was my ego- that my world was the “ME” show, with everyone else relegated to secondary characters. She was right, in a way. I suppose this blog is a prime example of that. You see everything from my perspective. Every story I tell is filtered through the lens of my personal perspective. You don’t  know anything about my friends or their stories that I don’t tell you. And by translating my experiences into a personal narrative, I do make it all about myself. On this blog, I’m the title character, and it’s weird to think about.

But really, isn’t the whole of the human experience simply a translation of events into personal narratives? It’s how we make sense of chaos and establish our place in the world. Whether storytelling around the fire or posting an anecdote on Twitter, we’re all just faceless voices shouting into the void, wanting to be heard, to matter.

And now I’m descending into the deep depths of over the top analysis of my own thoughts, so I’ll call it a night.

BEDA failure

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I found out that I was accepted to my dream college, and proceeded to spend the last few days in reckless celebration. I forgot about my commitment to my dear, neglected mistress…this blog.

A month or two ago, I received a rejection letter from my other top pick college, and I wrote a post:

“How the hell do I deal with this?????

Sorry, that makes no sense. Let me provide some context.

I’ve never really been hurt in a relationship. some would say that’s because I have commitment issues, others would say I’m heartless. Whatever. The long and the short of it is, I don’t know what it feels like to break up with someone. Or at least, to have a tragic break-up with someone.

But I think it has to feel a little like what I’m going through right now. It’s so stupid. I mean, in the long run, it probably doesn’t matter.  I got a rejection letter from my one of my top two colleges, and I don’t know…it’s like I can breath. I just…I could really see myself there, you know?It’s been my dream for so long, and even though I knew I was under-qualified, I still hoped.

I’m crying even as I write this. I feel like an idiot. There’s that little voice of self-doubt saying “What if you don’t get in anywhere? Why are you even going to college? You’re too stupid. A college would have to be desperate to accept you.”  Usually, that wouldn’t bother me. Right now, though, it just feels true.

All my friends are getting acceptance letters, and I just feel so lost. I don’t know what to do. So far, I’ve been wait-listed for one school and rejected by another.  And I just wish I had some semblance of a plan. It’s not like I have community college as a fall-back. I’ll already have my AA.”

Rereading it now, I feel silly and relived. I guess that sometimes we get so caught up in the moment that we forget about the bigger picture. Sometimes, things don’t work out like we expect them to. But the failure of one plan can mean the fruition of another (even better) plan.

I got into a school that really is a much better fit for me. It’s located in close proximity to my dream city, and it has every single one of the majors I’m considering. In addition, it all came with a very generous financial aid package. I’m so excited that I can hardly keep from packing already!

Thank you to those of you who read this blog. I love each and every one of you, and appreciate the time that you invest reading these posts. I’m going to finish celebrating. Until tomorrow…

 

How will we escape from this labryinth?

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Black tea is Azerbaijan's national drink

There’s this soft peace that can only happen after you’ve cried. After you’ve sobbed good and hard, your chest heaving and little gasping noises escaping your throat as you struggle to remember how to breathe, after everything you feel has been poured out of you in a flood leaving you empty and pure and clean. This peace isn’t happiness or contentment. It isn’t bitter. Sometimes it’s silent, sometimes it’s the sound of Fleet Foxes and Iron & Wine and Stars, or the soothing backtrack of your favorite film.

It’s a little like anesthesia. It numbs some of the pain and doubt, and for a few minutes, you can just be. It’s not forever. It’s an intermission. But for 15 minutes, there’s no nauseous or gnawing fear. It’s not that you feel worthwhile, it’s that you know that nothing is, not your problems or insecurities or fights. Nothing gold can stay, nothing copper or silver or bronze. All fades to rust, and you feel like the book of Ecclesiastes.

And somehow you find hope in this message of hopelessness, or, if not hope, at least strength enough to get up from your sepulcher of pillows and blankets to make yourself a cup of tea. And you drink your tea, and you get back to the job of living.

Questions 1: Do you have any strange phobias?

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So, I’m starting a blog series where I answer random questions. It’s like those questionnaires I love so much, except with actual writing instead of fill-in-the-blanks. Feel free to play along at home by answering the question in the comments or by submitting a question.  Hopefully this is fun!

I have several strange phobias, although, to be honest, there are few fears that aren’t at least a little strange. I won’t list all my fears, because I have some dignity (*cough* pride *cough*). Here are some of my strangest ones, though”

  • Llamas- I hate them and fear them in equal measure. When I was a kid, I was tackled by a llama at a petting zoo and it took 4 grown men to get me free. Llamas are evil, guys. They send out hit squads. My llama phobia is so bad that I had to bury my head in my friend’s shoulder during a car trip when we passed a llama farm tp keep from crying. Llamas = baaaaad news.
  • Elevators- During the late 90’s/early 2000’s, Disney Channel came out with so many made-for-TV movies, especially around Halloween. I wasn’t supposed to watch the Halloween movies. But my older cousins, Trina and Lindsay, loved them. They called me a baby for not watching them too. So, one day, I decided I was going to see one of these “grown-up” movies. I’m a little ashamed that one Disney Channel movie was enough to make me forever afraid of elevators. I’m sure if I watched that movie today, I’d laugh. The damage is down, however. I’ve learned my lesson. Elevators are like moving sarcophagi. You are lucky to emerge alive.
  • Mascara- I was given a forceful make-over in middle school by some well-intentioned girls. However, after their repeated attempts to blind me with mascara, there is no way in hell I am willingly putting that stuff near my eye sockets.

Also statues, but that’s a Doctor Who thing…

There are probably more, but those are the ones that come to mind. How bout you? Any weird or quirky secret fears?