Hello! Once again, this is not your regular writer. Clearly. That’s what you were told would happen. And you believe everything you’re told on the Internet, don’t you? You silly people. I bet you conspiracy theorist hipster hippies think that tomatoes are fruits.

Today I’ve been instructed to wow all of you with my ability to blog about things. The thing is, I’ve never really blogged before. This is an awfully large amount of responsibility to put on me all at once. I might cave under the pressure. What if I don’t do a good job? What if I make an embaresing spelling mistake? It’s just horrable. It’s also 7 AM, a rather ungodly hour if you ask me. I think it’s fair to say that no one should ever be awake at a time like this. We’re supposed to wake up in the morning, and everyone knows that AM stands for ‘Almost Morning,’ so why would we want to be early to our date with consciousness? Savor your unconscious states as if they were fluffy baby seals that wanted nothing more than to stare at you cutely and love you… Before having someone yank them from you and club their brains out.

An astute analogy, I think, though a grim one. But for an adolescent, when is waking up at 7 not grim? It throws the whole day wildly off-kilter, and makes for completely unfocused blog posts.

And back on that subject, what on earth is the point of this? I need a point. Points are good. Or a theme. Or maybe even something as specific as a topic of discussion.

Here’s a list of the top five Michael Bay movies:

Huh, that’s weird. Anyway. Did you know that the word “clip” has many meanings, two of which are complete opposites of each other? I can clip things together, and clip them apart. With paperclips, video clips, ammo clips, hedge clippers, hair clippers, or nail clippers. And somewhere in there are clipper ships. But that’s neither here nor there. But if it’s not here, and it’s not there, then where the heck is it? Non-being I suppose, into which my coherency is slowly trickling. This post needs a focus, and fast!

I suppose I could tell you the usual things. Who I am, what I like, what I like to do… My top favorite such and suches… What I plan to do with my day…

Ooh, there’s an idea. What I plan to do with my day. I don’t mean to actually tell you; it’s of no consequence at all. But you should think about this; what do you plan to do with your day? And later, when you’re going to bed, ask yourself, “what did I do with my day?” How do the two deviate, and how often? I’ve found that the quality of life, for oneself and for others, consistently depends on this answer. Sometimes I plan to spend a day doing homework and to be in bed by 11. Most times I spend a day doing nothing, and end up in bed by 4 in the morning. Some people plan to show up to work on time every day so they won’t lose their jobs. Some plan to show up to their kids’ birthday parties. Some plan to stop smoking. Some plan to start jogging. Some plan to go into their owners’ bedrooms and pee on their backpacks right before they need to go to school.

That last one may or may not have been my wonderful pet puppy dog whom I love dearly and have no intention whatsoever of strangling.


I got sidetracked again. And I forgot what my point was. I guess I could scroll up and reread it, but what’s the point? I still don’t know what it was. Oh well. Did you know that Steven King, John Grisham, and James Patterson all publish around 2 new books every year? WTF. Who has that kind of time? Hippies, no doubt. And who reads all these books?! Communists, of course.

I’m afraid it’s time for me to go, never to return. Maybe. You go live a happy life. And seize the day! Do what you plan to do, plan for what you need to do, and plan for what you want to do. Especially if you’re a dog, and you like having a low life expectancy. If anyone needs me, I’ll be running a new load in the washing machine. Stay tuned for scenes from next episode! Written by a JOSH.

Cohesion is Overrated


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